my poem

[iDoof]

Hi...so today's a snowy day in my town and I was inspired to write my first rhyming Korean poem about a Snowflake City...

As with any language, the formal syntax rules are sometimes bent to create a better flow...but I want to make sure I bent the rules in a way that still made sense. Can you tell me if this is as understandable as I hope it is, or if it is utterly nonsensical? Constructive criticism welcomed.

12월 달, 이제 겨울이 왔으니
다른데는 추워도 여긴 따뜻한거지

그러나 이리저리 보며 수많은 눈송이
마술처럼 떠러지다 퍽이나 천천히

창조성을 살려주는 곳이 또 어디있겠니,
언제든지 매혹적인 눈송이 도시

Thanks everyone!

[trutherous]

Wow! I like it! You are better than me. I understand what you mean but it seems a little western in thought. This line was a bit odd to me "마술처럼 떠러지다 퍽이나 천천히" - I think you wrote 'It falls like magic, so very slowly' but 떨어지다 usually means fast or quickly so maybe 내려온다 would be better. Anyway, I think in poems almost anything goes. I think you wrote a poem better than 90% of all the second generation here in LA could write. -- I am so impressed.

내가 졌다 정말 내 머리속에 있는 높은 자리에서 떨어졌나 보다



나

[iDoof]

aw, very nice of you. And a very helpful correction, thanks so much!!

[timandyou]

Wow~~ ^^ GREAT! (your Korean is EXCELLENT!)
you wrote,
"12월 달, 이제 겨울이 왔으니
다른데는 추워도 여긴 따뜻한거지"
Really? Is it warm there?

"그러나 이리저리 보며 수많은 눈송이
마술처럼 떠러지다 퍽이나 천천히"
sorry... what are you trying to say by saying, "퍽이나 천천히"?
퍽이나??

"창조성을 살려주는 곳이 또 어디있겠니,
언제든지 매혹적인 눈송이 도시"
wow~~ i like your expression - "눈송이 도시".

GREAT! very impressive!
cheers,
Tim